Holly Mitchell spoils readers with a wacky guide to niche iPhone games which have consumed the minds and the time of the masses!
Ah, useless iPhone games. Love them or hate them, you have to respect the creativity of those who are able to whip up some of the most outrageous concepts and transform them into a playable mobile game. From grotesque childhood nightmares to games that would destroy a Victorian child, allow me to welcome you lovely readers to my guide of how you should waste your time with iPhone games!
You Will Need:
1 x iPhone
1 x App Store access
1 x Lack of Self-Respect
Princess Dentist: Makeover Games
Have you ever wanted to make your favourite childhood princesses sob in pain as you pluck out rotting teeth, drill away at deep holes, and remove coffee stains from their mouth? Me neither, but if you have unfinished business with the likes of Snow White, Cinderella, or Princess Ariel, and are looking to inflict some pain, give this game a try. It begins as a regular dental check-up, where gunk gets removed and mouths get washed. Things become bizarre when the game provides you with an option to spray paint the royals’ teeth a new colour, ranging from vivid corals to deep teals. It is usually only 9 out of 10 dentists that tend to agree on all things dental, but I’m certain that all 10 would finally agree on one thing; the idea of spray painting your teeth is wild. Not to mention this game is targeted towards children, who are hopefully not aspiring dentists. As well as spray painting, you can apply some cute decals onto the teeth (you know, the teeth that have just been professionally cleaned). There are points for creativity to be offered, but at what cost?
Cut the Rope
I bet you’re thinking: “Wait, this one still exists?!” I personally have not touched this game since 2013, when my silver iPod touch worked overtime to run as many silly games as my 11 year-old-self deemed fit. 10 years later, and I have reinstalled for the sole purpose of splashing some sweet nostalgia into this guide. In all fairness, Cut the Rope is quite the unique puzzle game, where physics is crucial for guiding the candy into the little green monster’s mouth. There are bubbles, balloons, and interestingly enough, ropes. After a few levels, however, that is all it is for the rest of the game; an endless loop of the world’s weirdest feeding-time method. I can admit that the quality and the sound effects did have me as entranced as a toddler watching Cocomelon on their iPad coated in slobber for a while. Eventually, I caught my reflection on my phone’s locked screen, and decided this app should have been left behind on my scratched, now-dead iPod touch.
Pimple Popper Lite
For my nasty people out there, who want to live out their Dr Pimple Popper fantasies, boy do I have the experience for you. If the name doesn’t quite give it away, this app allows you to pop an abundance of pus-filled whiteheads and tear open crusty scabs and blackheads. With this simple purpose, the app unfortunately becomes a little repetitive after a while. It also becomes pretty unsettling, as our pixelated dermatology patients make some intense sound effects of pleasure as we work at their blemished skin. It is, however, a fantastic outlet to pick away at pimples without scarring your own very real face. Even if you’re a squeamish person, there are always those Pop-It fidget toy simulator apps that might scratch this itch in a less gross manner (please don’t ask how I know this fact).
Fill the Fridge
If you have ever saved an image of a flawlessly organised kitchen to your Pinterest board, Fill the Fridge is your new best friend. We’re playing as who I can only assume is a wealthy mum organising her LG fridge, one that has the built-in ice crusher and everything. We’re talking a complete Type-A organisation style, where we are instructed to neatly stack enough milk, fruits, veggies, meats, jams, and ice-creams to last at least four lifetimes. How she is affording all that in this economy, nobody knows. Interestingly enough, the part of this game that shocks me most is that this mum chooses to keep her Pringles in the fridge! Is that a thing? It seems to be an important feature of the game, since it is the food displayed as the app’s icon. Nonetheless, it would be a lie to say this game is not satisfying because it undeniably is. It just might be more rewarding to clean your real fridge, because we all know about that puddle of milk residue just waiting to be wiped down.
Do you miss when it was 2009, and your weekends consisted of beating your siblings at the boxing mini game on Wii Sports? Hopefully this game fills a sliver of that void, but in all honesty it probably won’t. If you are lucky enough to have an FYP (TikTok For You Page) as cursed as mine, Punch Guys is one of those apps you are most likely to find on the side of a random Family Guy clip on TikTok. It is moments like these when I can understand those who insist we should all delete TikTok to become an improved society. In the meantime, this poor boxer sweats profusely as we are encouraged to tap the screen as a mad woodpecker would. But hey, it earns us a KO! As if our character is a WWE star, we earn coins with every punch we land. With these coins, you can boost either his income, strength, or stamina. I fear once he maxes out and becomes the ultimate alpha male, he will be too powerful to stop.
Behold the ultimate waste of time; clicking imaginary cookies for no reason beyond seeing a number on a screen rise. Cookie Clicker, fun fact, is known as an ‘incremental game’, which refers to a game that is played by clicking and clicking and clicking. Yes, you can upgrade your cookies, and, yes, you can make the cookie click itself automatically (shout out to my little brother for this riveting information). Is there truly any point to clicking away at a digital cookie for hours on end? Maybe or maybe not, but it is yet another consequence of the Industrial Revolution that no one from the 1800s would be able to comprehend.