Alert: Butterflies in Stomach Now Drug-Resistant

Section Editor Bethany Sharman tackles the inconvenience of having feelings and the difficulty of moving on.

Hailed as a heart-stopping discovery in the field of Antimicrobial Resistance, a new study published Friday found that butterflies in the stomach have evolved to withstand conventional treatments of getting rid of a crush. What was once the entirely simple matter of enforcing physical and digital distance by blocking them on social media and resigning from one’s workplace in order to expel the sense of yearning engendered by forced proximity is now much, much more difficult. 

New evidence suggests butterflies in the stomach have acquired a specific genetic mutation that suppresses what scientists are calling the “ick,” a commonly observed reflex that occurs once you start actually talking to your crush. Typically, the sensation arises within the first 2–3 conversations, but studies show this reaction is becoming increasingly delayed, with many now having no choice but to assume it will arise at some point in their marriage, probably. 

“They’re social creatures, drawn to a sense of emotional turmoil,” said the study’s lead researcher, adding they “often arrive in swarms so they may also enjoy the many social benefits of you being completely unable to string a sentence together.” She went on to explain that the sequence of adaptations evolved by butterflies in the stomach had a strong causal relationship with their “sadistic desire for others’ humiliation.” The creatures most likely diverged from their closest genetic relatives in accordance with the rise of relationship reality television, when they realised morally bankrupt matchmaking could well be a profitable business model.

Authorities are urging both young and old to “crush responsibly,” and stay cautious of symptoms that occur alongside butterflies in the stomach, including heart palpitations, sweaty palms, the intense urge to avoid eye contact, and of course, blushing hard. 

by Bethany Sharman