Experiences of Neurodivergence

Ash recounts discovering a new part of their identity to embrace: their neurodivergence.

Discovering I was neurodivergent when I was 19 led me to feel a mixture of emotions; I felt like I finally had answers to the questions I didn’t even know I was asking, but I also mourned the person I could have been if I hadn’t grown up undiagnosed. 

I reflect on my childhood, and the signs of ADHD and autism are like neon lights; how did nobody realise? I unfortunately know the answer to that question; I was AFAB and both consciously and unconsciously knew how to mask. And when your dad is probably also autistic, your parents think all your quirky traits and behaviours are “normal.” 

Now, I know for a fact that some people would look at me and not pick me out to have autism and ADHD, and say “Well, you don’t look like you have it.” But neither autism or ADHD has a specific look, and this is such harmful rhetoric. ADHD and autistic behaviour manifest differently for each individual, and furthermore, vary between AFAB and AMAB. There isn’t a way either of these disorders “look” in people, and so many people would have either one or both, and nobody would ever know.

Since attaching these two labels to myself, I’ve found that it’s harder to mask, as I’m much more self-aware of the behaviours I exhibit. Some days it’s harder than others, especially around those who don’t know this side of me, and I feel like I’m walking an unbalanced tightrope, desperately hoping I don’t fall off the edge. 

It’s like an ebb and flow; on easy days, I can function without much struggle, and I don’t feel like I’m one wrong move from a breakdown in the middle of Kmart. On harder days, everything is a challenge, and the persona and mask I’ve so carefully crafted and built start to crack, and I just hope that nobody sees through me. 

To a lot of people, I’m confident, organised, and successfully conquering everything I take on, but that’s just the type of person I want people to believe I am. Because in reality, I don’t feel like I’m any of those things. Inside, I feel like I’m drowning, buried by insane anxiety and depression, constantly battling the fact that I’m neurodivergent and that things that come so easily to some take so much energy for me to do.

My brain is like a Safari window with fifty tabs open, five of which are blasting music, another ten starting to crash, and five more that are trying to load content but failing every time. And then, as soon as I manage to clear out a few, suddenly another seven have opened whilst I wasn’t paying attention. 

I grew up thinking this is just how my brain is supposed to be, and it became my “normal” when it actually isn’t normal, and that means things are different and harder for me.

As I continue to move into my early twenties, I am constantly learning how to cope and live with both ADHD and autism. And no, I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy; it’s a fucking mountain to climb. But the more I learn about myself and what I need to do to function better and in less pain, the less steep the mountain becomes. 

Peeling off my own layers and learning what exists below the surface is a never-ending journey, but I’m grateful to be able to learn and grow as a neurodivergent person.

To those privileged enough to know about this side of me that I keep buried all too often, thank you for staying. 

And lastly, to my darling best friend – from the moment we first became friends, you have given me a safe space that I’ve never had before. Despite everything, you are so loving, patient and understanding, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Things are equally hard for both of us, and we are living proof of how ADHD and autism can manifest differently in people. But I adore every part of you, and with every passing day, there isn’t a moment where I don’t want to learn more about you and how I can best support you. No amount of words will ever be able to say how grateful I am to have your soul in my life, ily <3 (This just proved that words of affirmation are indeed my love language.)