Ghosting, Ghosters, Gone

Contributor Micheline Chen consoles readers through the many forms of ghosting, one step at a time.

Imagine believing everything is going wonderfully with your friend, or the person you’re flirting with—and then … cricket chirps. Been ghosted? You’re not alone.

Ghosting is when communication is abruptly cut off without explanation. It’s a breakup without actually being broken up with. Soft fade, another form of ghosting, is when the person you’re texting gradually decreases their texts until you never hear from them. 

Ever again.

Types of Ghosting

How many types of ghosting are there? Several, including friendships, romance (e.g. situationships), and the professional workplace (e.g. never hearing back after a job interview). 

Reasons for Ghosting

Here’s the million-dollar question: Why do people ghost? There are a ton of reasons. Most include a fear of confrontation or reluctance to handle awkwardness. Safety is a valid reason, though. Ghosters, you may notice, have an aversion to difficult conversations. In most cases, that reflects something about them, not the people they left behind. So if you’ve been ignored after a period of constant communication, please don’t blame yourself.

The Norm of Ghosting in Modern Dating

Ghosting is, unfortunately, a norm in modern dating. Technology and dating apps make connecting easier, yet it’s even easier to stop communicating with someone at the drop of a hat. In ancient history, men fighting in wars sent letters to their ladies using pigeons. In this day and age, dudes who carry their phones everywhere refuse to text (side note: ghosting is not limited to gender, both guys and girls do it). Seriously, nothing is less attractive than dwindling communication, plus the lack of courage to end things using a conversation.

Impact on Victims of Ghosting

Victims of ghosting often feel a sense of loss. To be unceremoniously dumped—by friends or a potential interest—leads to a decrease in self-esteem as well as a drop in confidence. Both emotional and physical wellbeing may plummet. Impacts on victims may include a sad mood, nonstop crying in bed, or analysing everything with ChatGPT over and over. Manifesting a reply from them does not work. Been there, done that. 

Meanwhile, questions such as “What did I do wrong?” or “Do I matter to them?” may be put on repeat. If you’ve been ghosted, it is not on you. Don’t beat yourself up. The good news is that being ghosted gets easier over time. You might look back in five years’ time and laugh about it.

Ending a Relationship

If you want to end a relationship—be it friendship or situationship—with someone, why not let them know? If it’s friendship, something like “I have decided to end our friendship because (insert logical reason), bye.” would suffice. If it’s a situationship, try “You’re a nice person. However, I’m looking for something else. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” Communication sounds better than leaving people in limbo.

Coping Strategies

What should you do if you’re feeling down after being ghosted? I suggest focusing on yourself. Prioritise yourself by redirecting the attention you’ve been giving them back to yourself. That can be done by doing activities you like, setting goals, and having fun with the people who value you. Staying active with exercise or trying out new hobbies works as well. If you want to express yourself, journaling and making art are great ideas. So is talking to friends or family to get everything off your chest. If all else fails, there’s always therapy.

Finding Closure

Also, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to miss the ghosters, bawl your eyes out over them, or even despise them. Did someone say closure? The thing is, we never receive closure from ghosters. Closure comes from accepting what happened, dealing with it, and eventually moving on. A response from ghosters is not needed. The pain does not go away even if the ghoster validates that they’ve hurt you. Got a choice of words you’d like to say? Write them a letter and rip it to shreds. Whatever you do, do not send them a message, nor ask about them. Never give them the satisfaction of showing that you miss them. 

Orbiting 

Except ghosting does not end there. You know the scenario when someone ghosts you, yet they keep viewing your Instagram Stories? Maybe your former friends/situationship even ‘likes’ what you shared online. That’s ‘orbiting,’ where they are aware of your social media presence and still refuse to text you. Ghosters may want to see what you’re up to after their dissociation. You can choose to hide your Stories or let them watch. In the meantime, feel free to hit the block or mute button. Remember: do not engage with them.

Put Your Phone Down

I understand it’s extremely tempting to text the ghosters and demand an explanation. Here’s a quote to help you put down the phone: “When ghosters ghost, respect the dead.” I absolutely adore this quote. There is power in not reaching out after being disrespected, and it’s related to self-respect. A friend told me, “It takes 0.01 calories to text.” While that’s technically not true, I still love the quote. On average, people respond to texts within twenty-four to forty-eight hours. Sure, there are times when our hands are too full to use our phones for several hours. And after that busy period, we’d check our messages right away. Unless we lost our phones… or just don’t want to respond. If the other person didn’t bother to text you back for 2+ weeks, why should you text first?

Awkward Encounters

What should you do if you run into them on campus? Or—God forbid—in the common areas of a student dorm where both of you live? The best thing to do is look away and walk away. If you have to be in the same room as them, keep your head high. Unless they break the ice, acknowledging their presence only boosts their ego.

Final Thoughts

Contrary to popular belief, ghosters don’t always come back. If they do actually reach out, it could be weeks, months, or perhaps years later. You don’t have to give them a second chance even if they apologise and promise not to repeat their behaviour. Remember: if ghosters cut you off once, they could do it again whenever they choose to. The decision is up to you.

It may feel unfair, as though you’re letting them walk away scot-free after ghosting. Picture their bewilderment as their relief fades into confusion, or frustration, at you living your life (as if they never left). The more you don’t give a hoot, the more perplexed ghosters will be. At the end of the day, you deserve friends and romantic interests who treat you the way you would like to be treated.