How Much Of Me Is Me?

Editorial Assistant Elizabete Lasmane delves into the internal dilemma that presents when deciding between authenticity and hiding to keep up expectations as the ideal woman.

I cannot answer honestly how true my goals, desires, and ambitions are. Is there a part of me untouched by society? Without confusion in my own sincerity? How much of me is shaped by expectations because I am a woman? How much of me is me?

To be a woman is to not know who you are, but to perform. It is to choose a veil for everyday. To remember what is expected of you and never escape that. And if you desire to pursue escape, you’d never escape a different sort of prejudice. Everyone has so many opinions about you that they erase your own. What does being a woman even look like? Wear pink and act girly? Or fight against those stereotypes and be active? Or not have a right to speak and fear for life? We will never know, as the idea of a woman changes with societal evolution. The expectations and norms shape the appropriate idea of what a woman is, thus leaving the paradigm fluid and unstable. It feels like the figure of a woman is always veiled—and I doubt that we will ever get the chance to unveil what it feels like to be a woman without the impairments of societal standards. Do you ever just wonder?

What is the true form of femininity regarding energy if we never had societal pressures and heard ourselves properly? What if we never got oppressed and changed for somebody else? What would that look like? Do we get certain powers or privileges? Every day we choose actions, but how true are those intentions? How sure are we that such choices are not shaped by the standards and expectations? Do you notice how our moms correct themselves for others reluctantly? 

Do you ever come home after a hangout and wonder why you were acting that way and what is wrong with you? Or when you do not know what is expected of you, so you are stuck with the dilemma of choosing the correct personality? And if the personality is chosen incorrectly, then the impression of you is shaped poorly because expectations are higher. So how do you even approach this life? The only correct answer that comes to mind is that you don’t. Haha, cliché, the veiled answer. Genuinely, my take on this is to proceed with the first thought that comes to mind, since it is most likely the correct, unprejudiced view of yourself. The second and third thoughts and contemplations are everyone’s opinions, but yours. 

I dream of the time when everyone, including you and me, will let each other be free and just be. What is just being when you are a woman? I don’t know. The only person, in my scenario, who would know would be a woman living in a society so isolated that they do not have any presumptions or expectations. Ironically, she is veiled from the world yet safely presented in her own world. She has goals and desires coming from within, knowledge from inside, and confidence for the outside. I do not know what she looks like, as my paradigm of a woman liberated from the veils of opinions is most likely formed by societal norms and impairments. Would my goals look the same in her world? Maybe they would be manifested differently? What if I never had goals, and that would be the ultimate goal? How much of me would change in her world? Would I even exist as me? Would I gain or lose myself?

by Elizabete Lasmane