Salmon Hats

George Logan examines the familiar stresses of picking the perfect outfit and why we could learn a thing or two from orcas.

Going to a friend’s wedding is a stressful affair. Do I bring a date? Should I tell an inappropriate story about the bride to her 90-year-old grandmother? How do I dance to anything other than the Macarena or the Nutbush? These burgeoning questions keep me up at night, yet for all my worrying, a thought much more distressing has only just entered my mind: what do I wear?

As a sartorially challenged individual, I find myself drowning in an endless sea of horrifying words such as bowtie and dress shoes. I need supervision, something tangible to follow — a guiding light through the void. The only solution, it seems, is to adhere to the ancient code of tailored understanding that I have gone through great pains to avoid throughout my life: the fashion trend. 

Once my enemy, as I looked upon fellow youths in utter disdain, clad in their armour of baggy jeans and 70s tennis shoes, the trend has become my ally. How could I have been so foolish? Trends aren’t a crutch; they are a tool! Whenever you don’t know what to put on, just Google ‘what does insert popular celebrity wear’ and copy it for surefire success. This is a rabbit hole deeper than Wonderland. History has seen some utterly bizarre trends from ancient Chinese women binding their feet to make them smaller (please don’t do this) to wearing shirts that say ‘SWAG’ on them (please don’t do this either). 

Yet, out of all the outlandish fashion trends over the years, my favourite isn’t even human. In the 1980s, pods of orcas off the west coast of North America were observed swimming with dead salmon on their heads. Some theorised that it was a form of entertainment, playing with their food, so to speak. It was soon forgotten, but this phenomenon was reported again last year. As quickly as the trend disappeared, it returned with a vengeance, like bucket hats and Adidas Sambas (so I am told). There is no doubt in my mind that this is an example of a trend. The decision to rock some salmon fresh off the rails is surely an aesthetic one. After all, why not wear a tuna? Or perhaps a flathead would be more practical. It is hard to know if the salmon hat is the human equivalent of wearing your underwear outside your trousers or deciding to wear a crisp buttoned shirt. Make no mistake, I am not advocating for people to adorn their heads with the remains of deceased fish. But if orcas can adapt to the latest fashion trends, why can’t I?

So, at the wedding, perhaps I won’t tell that inappropriate story after all, but maybe I will wear a fish on my head. If this odyssey has taught me anything, it is that in times of crisis, it is always pertinent to consider: what would a killer whale do?