Have you ever been victim to a lukewarm and half-baked situationship? Editorial Assistant Bianca Chatterjee reflects on her experiences in online dating as a modern feminist.
I first started using dating apps like Bumble and Hinge in my first year at university to fill the void that my high school ex-boyfriend left after we broke up for the last time. I was absolutely the problem in every sense of the word. Nevertheless, many mediocre conversations and even worse dates led to a traumatising, canon event shifting situationship that left me feeling like there was no fucking way people were really enjoying this, right?
Participating in hook-up culture for the first time was like an extended out-of-body experience. I witnessed my best friends and experienced myself, the ebbs and flows of ever-changing rosters, ghostings and resurrections, love nuking followed by painful withdrawals and, worst of all, unsatisfying sex that was underpinned by the feeling of a crucial element missing. I can look back and identify that all these experiences lacked intimacy, compassion, respect and personal agency, but it is what it is.
Consensual sex can be exciting, fun and a great experience to share with someone you think is hot. It also teaches you much about yourself — what you like, don’t like, want to explore, and what is strictly off-limits. However, after hook-up culture and dating apps have been sold to a lot of people as a one-way ticket to being in control of how you fuck and love – I fear that we’ve come to an end of what should’ve been a glorious era.
Many Gen Z folks will agree when I say that the ‘Hoe Phase’ becomes exhaustive and empty quickly. If you’re looking for something serious in the world of internet dating, it becomes straight-up brain-chemistry-altering for certain people: then you’re stuck in this weird two-way pipeline, where you oscillate between wanting both at different times to make up for the losses you made from the previous phase.
The bottom line is that you’re stuck in a vicious cycle, trapped amongst left swipes, ‘How many siblings do you have?’ and ‘Maybe it will be different this time.’
As an element under the great umbrella of a ‘Modern Sexual Revolution’, hook-up culture may be relatively unprecedented given the boom of dating app technology, but a sexual revolution is not, and neither is a subsequent mass withdrawal from it. We had a sexual revolution in the early 1900s, which was propagated by burgeoning metropolitan cities, the new technology used in industrial, fashion, contraception and reproductive healthcare [1]. Venereal diseases brought home from the World Wars, Western purity culture, and domestic political strife saw an aversion to sex [2]. The pendulum soon swung back towards a pro-sex cultural shift with the Roe v Wade precedent (1973), the Stonewall Rebellion (1968), and general curiosity amongst young unmarried folks in a post war era [3]. Feminist literary explorations into female sexuality and pleasure, male sexuality, queer sexuality, and the emerging pornography industry also fueled the emerging zeitgeist of a sex-positive West [4].
This carried on into the new millennium, and looking back, I see that the raunchy rawness of the 90s and 00s was HOT. God, I’d give anything to experience what it would’ve been to be a millennial teenager sneaking into clubs after pregaming with the girlies with your mum’s secret Belvedere, tucked away in the back of the freezer, later discovered to be frozen solid by the time you got home the next morning. Or simply existing in the Sex and The City universe? I can’t think of a better time to be a hot girl.
Anyway, the Big-3 dating apps, Tinder, Hinge and Bumble, all came out between 2012 and 2014. The idea that a connection with someone special (or not) was at the ready by the swipe of your phone’s display, was mind-blowing as we entered a new decade. The possibilities were endless, and the abundance of choice was equally optimistic. I don’t believe we struggled with loneliness to the degree that we do now, but looking for a partner to buy a house with after 2008 felt less grave if you can do it on the toilet. Flash forward to three months ago; we’re frustrated at the sight of Bumble billboards asking women to give that ass up after a dip in female users joining (cause we all know deep down, that the product they’re selling IS the women on the apps and that’s bad for business, but that’s a different conversation)... [5]
Women who engage in hetero-dating and femme folks who date men are burnt out. The dating and iPhone boom era of the ever-evolving sexual revolution was really fun at first, with empowerment sold (specifically to women) as being able to hook up with whomever you want, whenever you want, with no strings attached if that’s what you want. To be able to fuck like a man was like third-wave feminism on steroids, and it felt so good to choose. Love doesn’t live here, but you can come get this pussy though. Only if you leave right after because we’re having fun on my terms.
Unfortunately, this has evolved into the gamification of dating where each real-life person can easily be lumped in the same category as a sexy Fortnite skin. Relationships of fluid labels quickly fizzle away, and people are left frustrated, inadequate and confused about how we’re supposed to navigate complex dynamics. We’ve come to a point where our generation feels more disconnected than ever before. The lines between love, intimacy and sex have been blurred, and everyone seems to be searching for each of these things from people who aren’t always on the same page.
Men are more lonely than ever before and are seeking community in problematic spaces for bids for any type of connection, which has been manifesting in forms of violence and, ultimately, a lot more hurt towards themselves and those around them [6][7]. This is especially true since men have always been told that expressing a desire to be intimate or emotional, in whatever relationship context, is uncomfortable and strange. Navigating relationships is a skill that men are denied access to from childhood.
In response, women are starting to ask a common question; ‘Why should I facilitate my exploitation if all I get in return is lukewarm empathy and half-baked intimacy?’ After all, single, child-free women are one of the happiest demographics of Western society [8]. And in extreme but increasingly common cases, it’s probably not worth risking your life and safety for breadcrumbs.
However, Australia is trying to reform the way we approach sex, intimacy and dating. We’re starting to see more government-implemented initiatives tackle long-standing patriarchal issues, such as the recent appointment of Tim Richardson as the Victorian Secretary for ‘Men’s Behaviour Change,’ and NSW’s ‘Men’s Behaviour Change Network’. These both aim to support local systems regarding men’s issues like mental health and suicide prevention, which in turn develops better community, and combats toxic attitudes towards women [9]. We also welcomed affirmative consent legislation in 2022 and recently criminalised coercive control in NSW [10][11].
This all sounds very serious, considering we started by discussing my qualms about dating a couple of years ago, but everything we see trickles down to somewhere, and we need to pay attention to the drip that drops from the top all the way down. The heightened normalisation of casual relationships as the standard, ghosting, bad behaviour, and not being held accountable hurts everyone and damn, it’s been a hard ten to twelve years for the folks who want love and to be railed to the gods.
I’m not discounting all you self-proclaimed sluts out there, either. I hope that you’re getting your rocks off in a way that leaves you and your partner(s) happy and satisfied, because love and sex can definitely be mutually exclusive, and it’s a different type of high hearing about the next addition to your lore when the dust settles.
Personally, I can’t wait to see what shape the next sexual revolution takes. Y’all are some fucking freaks, and there’s always another taboo to subvert and reclaim as sexy and celebratory.
ENDNOTES
[1] Madisyn Brown. “The Sexual Revolution Lied to You (the End of Gen Z’s “H0e Phase”).” YouTube, 30 June 2024, www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybwzwYLlCW8.
[2] Ehistory. “Sexual Revolution.” Ohio State University, 2019, ehistory.osu.edu/sites/ehistory.osu.edu/files/mmh/clash/NewWoman/Subnarratives/sexualrevolution.htm.
[3] See [2]
[4] See [1]
[5] Khadija Mbowe. “The Heaux Phase Is Out, & Celibacy Is In? The Decline of Hookup Culture.” YouTube, 15 July 2024, www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuRK5naSfDQ.
[6] Carter, Scott. “Yes, There’s a Male Loneliness Epidemic.” Medium, 18 Dec. 2023, scotheman.medium.com/yes-theres-a-male-loneliness-epidemic-75b19ae006f2.
[7] Keddie, Amanda, et al. ““I Don’t Really Wanna Consume His Content”: What Do Young Australian Men Think of Andrew Tate?” The Conversation, 1 July 2024, theconversation.com/i-dont-really-wanna-consume-his-content-what-do-young-australian-men-think-of-andrew-tate-233654.
[8] Cain, Sian. “Women Are Happier without Children or a Spouse, Says Happiness Expert.” The Guardian, 30 May 2019, www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert.
[9] Richardson, Tim. “Parliamentary Secretary for Mental Health, Suicide Prevention, and Men’s Behaviour Change.” Tim Richardson MP, 2018, www.timrichardsonmp.com.au/about/parliamentary-secretary-for-mental-health-suicide-prevention-and-men-s-behaviour-change/. Accessed 9 Aug. 2024.
[10] NSW Government. “Affirmative Consent Becomes Law in NSW.” Department of Communities and Justice, 1 June 2022, dcj.nsw.gov.au/news-and-media/media-releases-archive/2022/affirmative-consent-becomes-law-in-nsw.html.
[11] Department of Communities and Justice. “Coercive Control and the Law.” NSW Government, 10 July 2023, www.nsw.gov.au/family-and-relationships/coercive-control/the-law.
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