Women have been given unsolicited dating advice for far too long. In this article, Sarah Sol turns the tables.
Dear Lonely Man,
Yes we’re writing to you, and yes, everyone knows how lonely and desperate you are to get a girlfriend, find a wife, or to just get laid. It’s obvious no matter your attempts to hide it. Even if you leave that girl on read for five minutes – the one you texted first – just to seem like you're not desperate (she knows you are, real men reply fast), the quantity of lonely men, desperate to find their soulmate is staggering. An overpopulated species really.
Tip 1: Be Bold
Every pretty girl walking down Wally’s Walk is a victim of the lonely man. Us girls have been approached more times by a lonely man than the SRC wanting our vote. We admire these brave men, especially the ones who smile, walk past, then come back to tell us we’re pretty. Thank you lonely man, you’ve made our day. We admire your boldness, your directness. We love a man who isn’t afraid to go after what he wants.
Tip 2: Be Honest (a confession)
Something you should know about us is that we are evil, and this is our confession. You are a stranger to us and we owe you nothing. We happen to have a spare hour between classes as you happen by us, and now you can’t get yourself out. Suddenly, a pretty girl is buying you a coffee and you’re sitting on the lawn by the lake. She’s smiling up at you with evil green eyes that you cannot stop complimenting (don't stop). She wants you to dance for her, to perform. If you are performing a character, we will see your shoes do not fit, and we will see you for what you are – a liar.
Stop trying to pretend you are someone impressive. We will laugh. Sometimes we will enjoy your performance, we will egg you on, encourage you, but ultimately we will laugh at your facade. This is rather entertaining.
Don't tell us how you want to kill your ex, or how you had to defer a semester because you dated everyone in your course and it got weird. Instead of pretending you are some popular whore, be honest with your motives, your dreams, your desires. Ask us what we want and why. Read us your poetry, confess your sins, tell us you hate the sun and question why we are sitting under it, and we will tell you how we worship it.
Tip 3: Be Big
Show us that big dick energy you claim to have. Be big, be desperate, be extreme. Buy us lunch, get us flowers on the first date. Pick us up, don't meet us there. We don't want to go on a Maccas run, we want to go to a cute café. Take candid pictures of us when we are not looking, post us on your story. Be romantic and buy us flowers just because. You're a builder? Build her a bookshelf. You're a writer? Write her a poem. Be big and bold with what you're saying, paint your words clearly for us.
Tip 4: Know NO
Persistence is good, but only when it is wanted. We’re not asking if she is smiling and laughing at your jokes, she might just be friendly. Does she initiate the text first? Does she ask you deep questions back? Is she side-eyeing her friends, having secret conversations in her mind? If you're unsure and you don't know, ask!
Back to Tip 1: it's okay to say, “Hey, are you interested in me? Because I am in you.” If she says no, that's okay! Finish the conversation, don't just end it. Take the hit, move on and know no.
Yours Sincerely,
The Pretty Girls.
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