Love As a Comfort

Perpetual Nkatiaa Boadu ponders the important relationship between love for oneself and love for others.

I have always hated crushes.

When I was younger, it was almost embarrassing. I was the only black girl most places I went, so my crushes never once looked my way. They wouldn’t even notice if I blushed; my dark skin would hide it. In primary school, the guy I had a crush on asked my best friend on a date. That was the second time it had happened—same guy, different friend. The second time though, it hurt less, and I decided that if I ever had a crush again I would squash it down. What was the point of liking someone who I knew would never like me back? Writing this, I feel sorry for that version of myself. She doesn’t yet know that her worth is not determined by whether a guy likes her or not.

As I got older, I realised I hated crushes because of the lack of control. It’s true you cannot choose who you like. A guy can smile at you and all of a sudden, “oh no, I have a crush!” I wanted control in all areas of my life, but specifically in the places I knew I could get hurt. Why could I not control who my heart leant towards? Why did I crush on people who would not like me back? What was I missing in myself that I was looking for? When would a crush like me back? Such honest, raw questions that I searched for answers to.

There is something so ugly and revealing about crushes. When you can look at it clearly, there

is a level of masochism, an obvious need to separate oneself from true intimacy by putting a

glass in between. Crushes are the easiest way to place a stranger on a pedestal, to cast all your visions of love on someone you are too scared to even get to know. Why? Maybe because getting to know someone deeper would be a reflection back on you, forcing you to actually sit down and get to know yourself.

As I continued to grow, my hate developed into repulsion. The older you get, the more control you feel you deserve in life. You get more control, but over the mundane things, like what you have for dinner. Love still feels like a mythical thing that “just comes when you least expect it.” But how do you prepare? You love yourself first. The thought of that used to be so devastating. Why couldn’t someone just do it for me? Love me and then I will decide whether I am worth loving. I believed that somehow the love of someone outside of myself could validate me. Because that is evidence isn’t it? If they can find something right with me, then nothing was ever wrong.

Recently, the biggest test for that theory has been my relationship with God (everyone has the

right to believe what they believe, I am just a Jesus girly). Knowing there is a higher power

that loves me, and loves me completely and authentically, is, well, uncomfortable. At first I felt

validated, like “finally I have the permission to love myself now, great!” But now I have a new

problem: why does God love me so much? It almost feels like a trap, because as a Jesus girly, the answer is: just because. WHAT? WHAT? Finding out that I did not have to do anything to be loved was freeing and scary at the same time. I realised loving myself is the same. No matter what I look like, no matter what I accomplish that day, no matter the grades I get, I can still wake up every day and choose to love myself. 

So great, I am in this next phase of my life: focusing on loving myself, treating myself the best, so that one day when I have a crush and he has a crush on me back, I know what I deserve. But as you can tell, I am still very apprehensive; I dislike the idea that it “will come when you least expect it.” Uh… this is serious; it shouldn’t happen by accident. I dislike the phrase “falling in love” for that exact reason. I do not consent to falling into anything. I’d rather walk into love. I want it to feel comforting, calming and consistent. I want it to almost feel boring. I know boring is a weird word to use; everyone wants falling in love to be exciting. But I just like the idea of something grounding and authentic. I want to wake up one day, realise I am in love, and smile because I feel very safe and comfortable. I walked towards it and it greeted me warmly like an old friend.

by Perpetual Nkatiaa Boadu