homesickness

homesickness is tugging at my skin, running through my veins and pulling at my bones.

home home home, wherefore art thou? 

how must it feel? to be called a home? to be loved so dearly and held so gently. to know how you hold the memories and the secrets of the ones who have forgotten.

to be blissfully unaware of the comfort you keep within you. within the cracks of the wall and the peeling paint of the poles. in the rusting bars and the musty staircases. in the painted and repainted doors and the little rooms you can never enter. in the open windows and the grass.

to hold so beautifully within you the scraped knees and the rebellious children. holding each separate person within your atmosphere like you are doing us an honour by being there with us. but, we were the ones who should have been grateful to you.

you held in the deepest parts of your soul the happiness of the younglings. i was once young too. you saw all the clouds form, the friendships form and break. you saw every scared face, every new love, every bad bad bad thought. you watched the darkness swallow each person as they got older.

you held me, in all of my blaze of glory, you held me. with your vandalised walls and sickness-filled air, you held me.

you held in your loving embrace the darkness, the silence, the tears. you held in every scream, every shout, every discipline. you held in your hands all the suffering, and you never returned it. and for that, i am grateful.

you got me the friends and the people who have always been good to me. 

you watched as my innocence slowly chipped away. you saw as i progressed further and further into the wildest parts of hell. why did you do that?

why didn't you warn me?

home home home, why do you have to be so far away?

what must it feel like, to have to exist in such a beautiful form. when you changed, i changed with you.

you became better, more lovely, more modern. you shaped to fit my personality in ways that i still cannot do for myself. you saw as i changed myself for the worse, for the better and for everything in between. this time, you held all my heartbreak, all my fears and insecurities, and you threw them back in my face. you returned it. why did you do that?

you were a catalyst in my worst nightmares. i wonder what draws me to you? was it the silence of the lambs, every harsh word tossed, every memory made?

your sadness filled me up inside, and the sadness of others did to. you echoed back to me what i didn't want to hear, you helped with perpetuating every horrifying idea i've ever had, you saw inside me what i couldn't see for myself and loved me anyway. but why?

maybe it was the harsh words, the world being tied together by the broken hearts of the ones who dared to love, but you broke me. the ringing in my ears has not stopped. the sounds reverberating off the walls. i can still feel your touch in my dreams, the spacious, but suffocating halls, the wondrous motion sensors and the unnerving lights. flickers that i cannot explain, you were where it began. you, in all of your magnificence, didn't understand me.

but god how i love you. your too-good bell times, your technologically advanced everything, your stupid socialites and your happy hours. god how i live for your views, your crowded halls and your open windows. how you were better to me that i ever was to you. how i cherish all the memories that i formed in your multiple hallways and your filled silences. the way i was conscious of every memory i've ever had. i see every photo that my old friends take, and oh how i wish i was there, with them. with everyone.

i feel so alone here.

home home home. your existence was a lot.

you existed in my lovely outfits. you existed in my insecurities. you existed in my late friend groups with memories that i can’t remember, and how i wish those people would come back to me. my soul aches for them, there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled. they didn't grow up with me, they saw me after i’d grown up. and what a rare feat that is. to see someone grown up, and to be grown up, and to choose to love them. how lovely it must feel to look at a person and think, you were made for me. i choose to love you, even when i don’t know you. i want to know you.

i think soulmates are many people. i think you will meet many of your soulmates in your lifetime. there is not just one person who means to you, there are many. i've had many. they have never changed, only been added on. i think having many memories that you can't pinpoint is overwhelming. there are multiple occasions you can think of that you want to write about, but i choose things instead. things that held my experiences together. my hometown and my school. my life.

soulmates can be things too. experiences and places.

soulmates are one thing for sure though. soulmates are home.

home is where the heart is. my heart is everywhere but where i live now. 

homesickness hurts.

by Jordan Jayanthi