Horoscopes

GRACE PHAM | REPEAT OFFENDERS



LEO: This is your season lions! Don’t just let anyone pull your tail and call you kitty!



ARIES: I know, I know. You guys are most likely to become billionaires thanks to your relentless determination, but that doesn’t mean you can steal the lions’ thunder this season! You know how competitive this can get, so stand aside Aries; your season has passed!


SAGITTARIUS: Patience is a virtue, Sags. It’s time for you to realise your normal daily lifestyle is now called ‘quarantine,’ so be responsible and set your ass up for some routines!


SCORPIO: Are you seriously still rehearsing that revenge in your head, hoping that one day you’ll meet that person ‘face-to-face’ for it? Well, that ain’t gonna happen soon, Scorpios! The lockdown’s just been extended.


PISCES: Pisces are positive species but are most often called ‘delusional’ — why is that?



CANCER: When God created Cancer: ‘Alright. There’s a pinch of artistic ability, a gallon of loyalty and let’s make it a little emotional *oops...too much.’


AQUARIUS: Aquarius is the least common sign, yet they are the most rebellious among the twelve zodiac signs. Mmm, were any of you in the protests?!



LIBRA: What would a Libra say? — ‘I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.’



GEMINI: Cancers are the most frequently arrested sign, but Geminis are the most frequently busted….and that’s why you two shouldn’t do ‘business’ together!



TAURUS: Taurus claim that they are very ‘selective’ with their time and energy. Yup, by sleeping through the day. Can you sleep the lockdown away? Yes? Show us how!



VIRGO: Virgos in quarantine be like: ‘But I’ve already cleaned my house three times.’



CAPRICORN: Capricorn: ‘I need to become more social.’ Also Capricorn: ‘I HAVE TO GET OFF THIS PLANET!’


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ELEANOR TAYLOR | REPEAT OFFENDERS Hey besties, we need to talk about Pierce Brown. Pierce Brown has written one series of books; the Red Rising Series and I think they deserve more attention. A sci-fi