Horoscopes

ARIES

21 March - 19 April

You are not a part of the bimbo summit (Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears & Paris Hilton circa 2006). You are just running on a diet of V Energy Drink and Strawberry Ice-flavoured vapes. For the love of god, drink some water.

TAURUS

20 April - 20 May

I don’t have the time nor crayons to explain this to you, but you have certainly become your worst enemy recently. Reassess, quickly.

GEMINI

21 May - 20 June

You remind me of a Russian doll: full of yourself.

CANCER

21 June  - 22 July

Are you actually at rock bottom, or are you claiming you are so you can excuse yourself from self-improvement? You’re making up situations so fake that both Temu and Shein denied their involvement.

LEO

23 July - 22 August

I genuinely admire your confidence recently, it’s been so unburdened by accuracy and fact.

VIRGO

23 August - 22 September

Keep smiling. I love the colour yellow! For real though, remember to brush your teeth once in a while… for all of us.

LIBRA

23 September - 22 October

Next time you’re lining up at Pop Mart for yet another Labubu clone, I want you to know that you’re the human equivalent of an untitled Google Word doc;  a complete blank slate of a person.

SCORPIO

23 October -21 November

Stop opening your legs and open Indeed.com for a goddamn job. 

SAGITTARIUS

22 November - 21 December

I have this wonderful book you should read, it’s called The Fucking Room! No one wants to hear you brag about your recent trip to Japan and/or Italy in this economy.

CAPRICORN

22 December - 19 January

I’m begging you to put down the eyelash extensions; they look like feather dusters. One blink and you’ll start a tornado somewhere.

AQUARIUS

20 January - 18 February

So… how's that autism diagnosis going?

PISCES

19 February - 20 March

You may not be all that smart, and you may not be all that pretty…….. well… I guess that’s it.