Horoscopes

By Kayleigh Greig and Beth Nicholls

ARIES

21 March - 19 April

You can courageously conquer the goon bag all by yourself and I will happily watch from the sidelines. 

TAURUS

20 April - 20 May

Whenever you say “crikey” it just makes people think of Steve Irwin. And in that comparison, I can tell you who comes out looking cooler. 

GEMINI

21 May - 20 June

Okay, I know you are OBSESSED with trying out new combinations, but I think at some point you need to realise the Crocs might just be a little bit out there with some of these outfits…

CANCER

21 June - 22 July

Stock up on your bug spray, because the flies are coming for you this summer. And you know your blood’s delicious, right? Do your friends a favour and be the mozzie bait. 

LEO

23 July - 22 August

Do you ever think that sometimes you might be a tad overdramatic? I’m pretty sure the bin chicken that is standing over 10 metres away isn’t going to attack you. 

VIRGO

23 August - 22 September

I love your dedication to bolstering the Aussie music scene, but it is okay to listen to a genre outside of indie surf rock just once in a while. 

LIBRA

23 September - 22 October

Sometimes you need to choose something that you want to do, and not continuously please others. Let yourself be indulgent; regardless of whether that’s the last of the Tim Tams or the can of Hard Solo you’ve been eyeing off for days. 

SCORPIO

23 October - 21 November

There’s a koala out there waiting to be friends with you. It’s time to book a camping trip and become the bogan Disney princess of your dreams. Just don’t forget the tent this time.

SAGITTARIUS

22 November - 21 December

For the sake of your sanity, please put down the daily flat white and Red Bull, and drink something that doesn’t have caffeine in it. For once. 

CAPRICORN

22 December - 19 January

When’s the last time you visited an art gallery? Your cultural cracks are really starting to show. Go admire some Heidelberg Impressionism. And no, you can’t rock up barefoot in speedos, unless you want to make an artistic statement yourself.

AQUARIUS

20 January - 18 February

I know you love to hoon around in your Beamer, but try to remember that other people have ears. And once you’ve sunk an extra Great Northern? Don’t get behind the wheel. 

PISCES

19 February - 20 March

Your identity can be more than the Bunnings hoodie you stole from your mate, the tattered pair of thongs that you desperately need to replace, and your ritual daily iced black. I promise.