Horoscopes

ARIES

21 March - 19 April

Wait…what's that sound? Oh, it's your Nintendo DSi calling, and it has your childhood photographs it wants to blackmail you with. 

TAURUS

20 April - 20 May

You guys think that modern Aussie kids will never understand the pure joy of a sausage sizzle at Bunnings, followed by a trip to Video Ezy — and honestly, you're right. Sizzle

GEMINI

21 May - 20 June

Those jelly sandals aren’t going to create blisters themselves! And I expect to see jeans under your miniskirt!   

CANCER

21 June  - 22 July

You wouldn’t steal a car…you wouldn’t steal a handbag…you wouldn’t steal a television…I know that burned Disney Princess soundtrack CD is still in your CD player, you criminal!

LEO

23 July - 22 August

Leos, with all due respect, I hope you step on a bindi. Sorry about it. 

VIRGO

23 August - 22 September

Virgo’s it’s time to reconnect with nature, so upgrade to a flip phone, but bedazzle it first Snaps phone closed

LIBRA

23 September - 22 October

Hey Libra! Double denim is back in!, time to dress like it's the best of both worlds woh, woh, woh yeaaa

SCORPIO

23 October - 21 November

Hey girlypops! Uhh the 90’s called and they want their tattoo chokers back…and while you're at it, the 2000s left a message, they’d like your Sillybandz collection. 

SAGITTARIUS

22 November - 21 December

You cannot stare at the DVD screensaver until it hits the corner! Blink for fucks sake! 

CAPRICORN

22 December - 19 January

Dear Capricorns, Hannah Montana said nobody’s perfect…and she was right.

AQUARIUS

20 January - 18 February

If this world were The Night Garden, you’d probably be Iggle Piggle, complete with your safety blanket, and a whole lot of anti-hallucinogens. 

PISCES

19 February - 20 March

Pisces be reminiscing like their high school situationship was some kind of forbidden love saga. It was three texts and a sideways glance—calm down, Juliet (the gag is, this is my sign and my name’s Juliette :/)