Pop Culture Rewind: Hazelwood Haze

Editorial Assistant Martha Florence critically examines the illustrious author Ali Hazelwood’s male main characters and their spicy skill sets 

Content warning: explicit language and themes

In this year’s sexy Blush issue, I thought I’d spend some quality time with Ali Hazelwood’s MMCs [Male Main Character]. I might be pushing the limits of culture rewind, seeing as Hazelwood’s books have been published in the past five years. More like a cultural look over the shoulder. Technicalities—they’ll smooth themselves over. 

For anyone who isn’t a romance book junkie (your bank accounts must be thriving), Hazelwood is a household name among contemporary romance lovers. She’s known for her snappy, STEM-oriented women and men who are very eager to get on their knees. You’re guaranteed a good time—I highly recommend starting with Deep End, I assure you it’s as PG as they come. 

For last year’s Nostalgia issue, I curated a ranking system to grade male love interests from all my favourite romcoms. Here, I present to you a similar criterion against which I’ve assessed three of Hazelwood’s men from the books I happen to own, but this time, of course, the ranking is all about sex. 

A quick warning: this is entirely subjective. This list is for my indulgence and your entertainment, and according to TikTok, where everyone loves Koen (ew), my favourite is definitely not ranked number one by popular demand. You like yours, and I’ll like mine, and they all lived happily after, etcetera, etcetera. 

Each item will be ranked out of 0-5, so the highest achievable score is 27. 

💍 Is he a blushing but very eager virgin (in this world, they’re a rare but delicious commodity): DARLING

💥 Is he aware that consent and aftercare do, in fact, exist: BARE MINIMUM 

🤭 Sex talk expertise: SWEET TALKER

🍪 Does he spend some quality time being a giver: KNEES WERE MADE FOR KNEELING

👑 Quality of his fantasies: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SHEETS

Bonus question (+2 points): does he enjoy his kneeling time? 

Without further ado…

1. Mr I’ll tell you what you fucking need – Deep End 

Meet Lukas Blomqvist, a world champion swimmer and medical student with a dirty little secret…

Unfortunately, I’m not into men bossing women around—regardless of the context—so this sadly makes everything Lukas does fall rather flat. Still, Scarlett had a blast, which is the important thing. 

💍 DARLING: 2 (Not exactly, but his mind hasn’t been blown. I’m saying that counts)

💥 BARE MINIMUM: 2 (Technically yes. But after what he’s done to poor Scarlett, if he didn’t, it would be a call-the-police-moment) 

🤭 SWEET TALKER: 2 (Ehhh. Give or take. Points for “I asked for you”) 

🍪 KNEES WERE MADE FOR KNEELING: 0 (Ha! If this did happen, clearly it wasn’t good enough for me to remember) 

👑 WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SHEETS: 4 (Dude was begging Scarlett to let him confess his love, as he should) 

Bonus question: 0 (Boooo)

TOTAL: 10

2. Mr I gave you an emergency bypass – Problematic Summer Romance

Meet Conor Harkness, a high-flying biotech entrepreneur with major daddy issues and a domesticity kink…

My heart beats for Conor. These questions were specifically, though unconsciously, geared towards Conor scoring a solid 27/27, and I do not give a fig. It’s my rainy-day romance and deserves the highest score. 

💍 DARLING: 4 (Is he a virgin? No. But he has abstained for however long, and also isn’t an immature dillbrain like the rest of them, so he gets extra points) 

💥 BARE MINIMUM: 4 (Aftercare game needs to be improved a little)  

🤭 SWEET TALKER: 5 (Mmmhmm) 

🍪 KNEES WERE MADE FOR KNEELING: 5 (Get your freaking cake, Maya) 

👑 WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SHEETS: 10 (I do not care the limit was 5, this changed my life)

Bonus question: 5 (Again, do not care. Dunno why I bothered with the score system in the first place)  

TOTAL: 33

3. Mr you have no fucking idea what I want – The Love Hypothesis

Meet Adam Carlsen, an impenetrable, hotshot science professor who definitely has not been nursing a secret crush for the past three years… 

I did enjoy this book, just rolled my eyes a lot. While I love grumpy/sunshine, I’m not such a fan of arsehole/sunshine. Being a dick to everyone but the girl you like doesn’t make you hot; that makes you childish. However, I am aware this is basically every boy ever, so no hard feelings. Gotta keep expectations low, people! 

💍 DARLING: 3 (No, but points for wishing he’d dated more so he could give Olive a better time) 

💥 BARE MINIMUM: 5 (Adam Carlsen, king of pulling away because “you’ll regret this”)  

🤭 SWEET TALKER: 3 (Yum)

🍪 KNEES WERE MADE FOR KNEELING: 5 (He would get extra points for eagerness, but extra points are for Conor only) 

👑 WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SHEETS: 5 (Him not speaking for hours after Olive’s surprise wedding says everything) 

Bonus question: 1 (Technically no, but he gets points for his yummy POV)  

TOTAL: 22 

Well, winner aside, Hazelwood writes all her men desperate, yearning and obsessed, and all in full knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. We very much approve. Honourable mentions to my darling Lowe and Nolan, who will forever and always hold a special place in my heart. If this is your first meeting with Hazelwood, I definitely recommend nosing through her books. Her men are nothing if not a good time. 

by Martha Florence