Niamh McGonnell-Hall dives deep into the orgasm gap, and what it means for us down under.
NB: this article refers to studies with data pools of cisgender and heterosexual people because the ‘O-Gap’ is most prominent in this dynamic; however, this issue is relevant to all vulva owners across any relationship dynamic.
Ladies, vulva owners, and punani possessors; some of you may have heard of this and I extend my deepest apologies if you have happened to experience it. The lurking, dreaded ‘orgasm gap.’ Yes, another sex gap has somehow seeped its way into our bedrooms, and it appears that we may have to get down and dirty to unravel it.
Is this gap a myth, or a physical feat we must learn to overcum?
The ‘orgasm gap’ as it is coined “refers to the finding that, on average, cisgender men have significantly more orgasms than cisgender women, particularly in heterosexual, partnered sexual interactions” [1].
In a study from the Psychology of Women Quarterly, it was found that men self-reported a higher frequency of orgasms. With women perceiving an orgasm 48.53 per cent of the time versus a whopping 82.15 per cent of the time for men in the context of a familiar partner, all but lends itself to the interpretation of women's pleasure slipping under the radar. Things didn't get much better in the new partner context either. The gap was glaringly obvious, with women perceiving orgasm 14.95 per cent of the time versus a massive 69.28 per cent of the time for men [1].
In another study, The Incidental Orgasm: The Presence of Clitoral Knowledge and the Absence of Orgasm for Women, just 38 per cent of women reported having an orgasm most of the time/always, versus a massive 91 per cent of men [2].
As you can see, this gap between men and women experiencing orgasm is a real, mighty pit of dissatisfaction.
Fake it till we make it
Another alarming side to this O-Gap is that according to the data, most men “perceived the size of the orgasm gap to be smaller than women perceived it to be,” and that “men tend to overestimate women’s orgasm frequency.” Men believed that they orgasmed 6.9 per cent more than women. Women themselves believed that they orgasmed 40 per cent less [1]. Yes, there’s just a bit of a gap.
We’ve faked it too well for too long. And here lies another jewel of our society: the pressure, either consciously or unconsciously, women who are engaging in heterosexual intercourse place on themselves to orgasm.
Dr. Laurie Mintz sums this up perfectly: “Mainstream media, movies, and porn have taught us that sex = penis + vagina, and everything else is just secondary. Standard penetration is how men most reliably achieve orgasm. The problem is that women don't orgasm this way. We've separated our most reliable route to orgasm – clitoral stimulation – from how we feel we should orgasm – penetration” [3].
Her data paints the picture beautifully. She asked her sample of 500 undergraduate students what “their most reliable route to orgasm” was. Let's take a look at the results. Number one: 4 per cent achieved orgasms from penetration alone. For a pairing of clitoral stimulation and penetration? A little better at 43 per cent. Lastly, exclusive clitoral stimulation sits at 34 per cent [3]. What can we say? We like the best of both worlds.
Many different scholars have theorised over why this epidemic is sweeping our sex life. Elizabeth Mahar summarises just a few in her article Orgasm Equality: Scientific Findings and Societal Implications. She highlights possible causes such as “cultural overvaluing of intercourse, women’s lack of entitlement to sexual pleasure, a conflation of penetration-based orgasms and masculinity, and our lacking sex education system” [4].
And she doesn’t stop there. The article hit us with three more important thoughts to keep in mind.
“Our current cultural script for heterosexual sex, which proceeds as follows: foreplay (just to get the woman ready for intercourse), intercourse, male orgasm, and sex over.”
“In this scenario, the man is responsible to give the woman an orgasm during intercourse giving by lasting long and thrusting hard”
“This cultural prioritisation of intercourse is reflected and perpetuated in our language and media. We use the words sex and intercourse as if they were one and the same and relegate everything before to “foreplay,” implying it is a lesser form of sex than intercourse.” [4]
All of this and more amalgamates into a mountain of pressure that we’ve just started climbing. Do I have to orgasm every time during sex? What if I don’t? Will it be awkward if I don't? But that’s what always happens? That’s what's supposed to happen, right?
Our society has created a blueprint for heterosexual sex that simply doesn't work for vulvas. The data is there, and more importantly, people globally can testify to the fact that right now, our construct of ‘sex’ is just not doing it for them.
The key?..... The clit (don’t worry, we’ll help you find it)
Many different personal and societal factors influence our pleasure in the bedroom (or wherever you like to indulge in carnal knowledge). But one element that may start us on the right path lies right inside us. We have a way to solve this crisis of completion hiding away under a little hood, starved of touch or attention.
I am, of course, alluding to the wonderful organ: the clitoris.
The first comprehensive study of the clitoris was led by Australian Urologist Helen O’Connell in 1998 [5]. Only twenty-five years ago. In 2005, she then reexamined the clitoris with multiple MRIs, only nineteen years ago. She continues to champion a better understanding of this organ and how important it is to sexual pleasure. Helen, you’re our hero!
The clitoris is almost completely hidden inside the body. It is a massive organ that responds to the exact opposite of the Hollywood depiction of sex. The shrinkage of the O-Gap during female masturbation is an encouraging incentive to delve deeper into what makes the vulva tick.
The difference between men and women in this category was astoundingly less, with 74.48 per cent of the time, women self-reported orgasm versus 84.07 per cent of the time for men [1].
Another study found that during masturbation, 60 per cent of women experienced an orgasm most of the time or every time. Their percentage of 29 per cent for partner sex is a disappointing figure [6].
Yet another study The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality by Shere Hite, 95 per cent of women reached orgasm during masturbation [7]. And not only that, but “easily and regularly.” So the whole ‘it's so hard to make vulvas work’ and ‘it's just female anatomy that makes it harder’ doesn’t really hold up in this case. Even the legend Helen O’Connell herself stated that “organs just don’t seem to be designed in this magical way that would fit with the kind of thrusting behaviour causing an orgasm” [5].
This wasn’t the only category that saw the O-Gap decrease. According to the data from Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships, the dynamics that had women achieving orgasm the most was same-sex relations [8]. “Women in same-sex relationships reported more frequent orgasms resulting from their partners’ stimulation of their clitoris and from oral sex than women in heterosexual relationships” [4]. I’ll get the whiteboard because we with vulvas may need to teach some classes.
Now of course, sex will always be an intricate web of communication, consent, and biology. So many societal factors influence it, including insecurity, objectification, lack of knowledge, overvaluing men's pleasure, and even the alarming thought that “women who experience less frequent orgasms lower their desire and expectation for orgasm” [9]. But, if we take this first step in the right direction by prioritising the clitoris during intercourse, we could unlock a powerhouse of pleasure.
To hell with being a ‘slut’ – and slut shaming is a whole other issue – or how it's unladylike for girls to wank. We have to know our bodies better and advocate for our little clit because it's lonely and sad and needs a bit of love.
Now, I'm not out here just to penis bash, or get my pitchfork out to hunt the little peckers down for not being able to operate a vulva. But if we as a society (and I’m sorry to single you out here, but quite importantly, penis people) could shift the focus to what lies under the hood (quite literally) and give it a bit more of our time, we may have a chance of providing a better sexual experience to vulvas all over the world.
I also would like to pose one final question. Amid all the screaming and squirting, does good sex always have to end in orgasm? Yes, of course, one would like a cherry on top of their sundae, but can we still enjoy the sundae all the same without the cherry? And by sundae, I mean the raw, unabashed connection between two people (or more, we're not judging) that leaves them happy and appeased and still panting. But without all the clean-up hassle (just saying that stuff stains).
Is sex more than our orgasms? And if we do want one, then we better start to figure out a more effective and pleasurable definition of intercourse, because our vibrators are running out of charge.
ENDNOTES
[1] Wetzel, G. M., Sanchez, D. T. Heterosexual Young Adults’ Experience With and Perceptions of the Orgasm Gap: A Mixed Methods Approach. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 2022.
[2] Wade, L. D., Kremer, E. C., Brown, J. The Incidental Orgasm: The Presence of Clitoral Knowledge and the Absence of Orgasm for Women. Women & Health, 2005.
[3] Mintz, Laurie. Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality matters - And How To Get It. New York: HarperOne, 2017.
[4] Mahar, E.A., Mintz, L.B., Akers, B.M. Orgasm Equality: Scientific Findings and Societal Implications. Curr Sex Health Rep, 2020
[5] Wahlquist, Calla. The sole function of the clitoris is female orgasm. Is that why it’s ignored by medical science? The Guardian, 2020.
[6] Laumann, Edward O., et al. The social organization of sexuality: Sexual practices in the United States. University of Chicago press, 2000.
[7] Hite, Shere. The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study of Female Sexuality. Seven Stories Press, 2003.
[8] Blair, K. L., Cappell, J., & Pukall, C. F. Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 2017.
[9] Wetzel, G.M., Cultice, R.A. & Sanchez, D.T. Orgasm Frequency Predicts Desire and Expectation for Orgasm: Assessing the Orgasm Gap within Mixed-Sex Couples. Sex Roles, 2022.
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