Validate Me, Please!: Why Do I Feel So Desperate For A Relationship?

Editorial Assistant Ella Barker searches for the answer her heart is aching for. 

I really liked the guy I was seeing recently. Like, really liked him. Out of all the guys I’ve dated, talked to, and hooked up with, he was the one I connected with the most. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s kind, and he actually seemed to enjoy my company when my clothes were on. I’m used to guys just wanting to jump into bed, but he was different. I wanted this to happen. I wanted to keep going on dates with him and sending him stupid reels and have this go further than where it did. But it ended, so I feel like a failure, like my world has ended. Why? 

It isn’t the regular sadness from a breakup, either. It cuts deeper, stings for longer. I’ll simply patch up the wound it leaves behind with a bandaid and move to the next one, no matter how long it takes. It’s the earth-shattering feeling of “oh my God, this is it, I’m gonna die alone.” Whether it’s an eleven-month-long relationship or a two-week talking stage, as the kids call it, I take a connection ending more personally than perhaps I should.

How can I be only 23 years old and so desperate for a relationship? I wasn’t raised to think this way. I never used to. I used to be so comfortable without a man. Even when I’m in a relationship, I pride myself on my independence. Yet recently, when I’ve been single, all I’ve wanted is to feel loved. Properly, not just lusted after. I’ve done my time in the land of hookup culture; my body, heart, mind and soul weren’t wired for anything casual.

Is it my time on social media? Thoughtless, silly, made-up “theories” pertaining to relationships thrive there. There’s the three-month rule, the orange peel theory, the red string theory, the hard launching versus soft launching debate, none of which should be applied to all relationships. “If he wanted to he would,” screams my For You Page, over someone complaining that the person they just matched with on a dating app didn’t know to buy the most expensive bouquet for a first date. These aren’t inherently wrong, I guess: if someone wanted to treat me right, they would. Right? That doesn’t mean I need them shoved down my throat at every turn.

Are they the reason why, though? Sure, they likely subliminally skyrocketed my expectations of men, but are they the reason why I’ve recently been so desperate for a relationship? A significant number of my friends are in relationships. Maybe I’m jealous, longing for someone I can call mine 24 hours a day. I’m not necessarily lonely, by any means, yet nothing can replace the feeling of finding THE ONE.

I’ve noticed an uptick in needing validation from men as I’ve gotten older. The more likes I get on Hinge, the more I feel secure in my looks. When I’m in a relationship, it’s proof that I have been chosen by someone, that I am enough. It shouldn’t be; I am a whole being, a beautiful one, with hobbies, interests, a life behind, inside and ahead of me. The craving for a man’s validation is torturous, and in many ways, driven, I believe, by social media pushing patriarchal ideas upon us more and more. I don’t want to be used for my body, but knowing it was my body that was chosen to be used brings a sick form of validation within me. One that’s incredibly hard to shake off.

So, what is it? Why am I so desperate for a relationship? Maybe it’s because I thought I’d found the one only to lose him more than once. Maybe I’m just a little horny and I don’t want to deal with a “situationship,” because God forbid I do that to myself. It could be this one guy actually putting in the effort to see me—really see me—only for nothing to come from it. It might be because the love I’ve given myself and been given by my friends and family has left just enough room for love from one more person. 

After getting all that out there, I’ve realised that I don’t think there is an actual reason. I think it is simply that a relationship-sized hole sits gaping in my chest, growing more and more each day, and my bandaid solution isn't helping to patch it up anymore. I should get a cat or something.

by Ella Barker