By Any Means Necessary

Editorial Assistant and board game expert Max Cooper shares his top strategies for ultimate victory.

Have you ever played a board game? Do you enjoy winning immensely? If you don’t: head to the next page, get out of here. However, if you do and are willing to sell your soul, read on. Below is an overview of both brutal and manipulative tactics, as well as some more conventional strategic ones, to guide you towards winning at Risk and Catan, two board games I have a NICHE interest in. Soon, like me, your friends and family will also refuse to play board games with you (because you always win).

Let’s begin with a favourite of mine, Risk. If you don’t have this game, don’t get it. You will spend six hours playing, only to be incapable of finishing because it’s going to be the next day soon. Out of the hundreds of times I’ve played, I have NEVER fully finished a game. Run while you still can. Fatigue is the number one killer. Many times, players will lose the will to continue, and in their desperation for the game to end (or for them to be wiped off the board), they will lead a Death Charge. Essentially, they throw their troops at the closest player, or whoever has annoyed them the most. This is the first lesson: never give in. You must learn to enjoy doing all the boring turn-by-turn activities in Risk to such an extent that you never lead a Death Charge. It should also be noted that being on the receiving end of a Death Charge is quite detrimental to your chances of winning, too, so take any means necessary to avoid this fate. Lie, flatter, make alliances, remind the player leading a Death Charge of some earlier offence another player committed against them. Redirect it by any means necessary. I have begged before, and I’m sure I will beg again. Throwing in a few “my lord” and “your highness” never hurts anyone, either.

For a strategic approach (advisably in combination with the Any Means Necessary approach detailed above), play the game like you have your non-existent savings on the line. Beef up your borders and play nice with everyone. Make alliances and don’t break them (other players won’t like that, leading to you receiving a Death Charge). Instead, cast your attacks and stealing of territory as a necessity of the game, add some apologies on top, and make it clear you wouldn’t be killing and stealing that player’s land if you weren’t forced to by the game (you aren’t, but pretend!). Also, do watch out for the Revenge Players, the people who take a simple slight as a declaration of nuclear war. It’s a simple and easy mistake to make, but it will likely cost you the game unless you conduct some major sucking up. By becoming a slippery politician and a somewhat decent strategist, you too can win all your Risk games (unofficially, of course, the game never ends!). This also relies on you not rolling low numbers during attacks and defence, but maybe if you weight the dice…

Catan (original, no expansions) is possibly even more luck-based than Risk; if you build your Settlements on tiles with numbers that don’t roll, you will get no resources and lose. Based on this, choose numbers that are likely to roll, such as 5, 6, 8, and 9. Diversifying what numbers you are built on is even better. Simple stuff.

There are three main ways I play Catan. Firstly, I love playing Ore-Wheat-Sheep (OWS) setups, easy Cities and Largest Army (for two extra points), as well as access to Development Cards, which can let you jump and stay ahead. A second strategy is building on Brick and Wood for easy Settlements, expansion, and Longest Road (for two extra points). The third strategy is a little riskier, placing a Starting Settlement on a port or angling for that mythical Sheep Port with your three Sheep tiles of high-rolling numbers, which can be easily stopped by other players and does not always set you up to win, but sometimes it can be the best move to make. A lot of this depends on the board and players. I don’t know who you play with, nor what your board setups look like each game. This is an overview, not a thesis, but here are SOME examples you may encounter. 

If you play with someone who always plays for Longest Road and will fight you until you both end up five points behind the rest of your opponents, don’t play road. It’s not worth it. You will trade the Longest Road points with them for the whole game, and you will likely both lose. Another example can be building on the only good Brick (high-rolling), supply and demand economics, blah blah. If someone wants Brick, you make them sell a kidney for it; they should be giving you three cards for one Brick. What else… if you don’t get Wheat and Sheep, hang it up. You’re done, game over. It’s possible to build to these tiles, maybe and a 4:1 trade for these resources, but it ain’t worth it. Whether you play OWS or Longest Road or Ports, build on some Wheat and Sheep so you have a chance.

Now to the Any Means Necessary tactics. As in Risk, you must sell your soul to win. It just has to be done, I’m afraid. Lying, flattery, and alliances are the Holy Trinity again. Do these, and your game will be easier. Manipulate players against each other, complain that you’re losing even when you’re winning (people catch onto this one pretty quickly), and I must reiterate how important it is to avoid Revenge Players. They are everywhere. Being blocked, robbed, or ploughed (blocked in) is not fun, and the ensuing Revenge for such actions will lose you the game. Making as few enemies as possible guarantees a better chance later in the game. 

Assuming you are lucky and capable of immense evil within a board game setting, you are well on your way to winning every Catan game you play (and they actually finish, too!). There is a reliance on your friends not knowing these tactics too; don’t let them see!

I love board games. I think you do too. Winning board games is even better than just playing them. Unfortunately, you do have to sell your soul in the process, but oh well. Worth it! I wish you lots of luck utilising the brutal, manipulative, and strategic tactics I have overviewed for Risk and Catan (which, for legal reasons, I have a NICHE interest in).

by Max Cooper