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Dear... The Friends I've Lost


Dear… the friends I’ve lost,

I know times have changed with this newfound normalcy of losing contact, but don’t you remember when we held each other tightly at our high school graduation? I could almost feel my skin breaking under the firm grip of your nails as you embrace me in tears. Were the promises of always being friends empty? Or are we still friends, with just new traditions?

I remember how we used to laugh behind the backs of those we promised to keep in contact with. It was us two against the world. The nights we spent consumed in conversations that never end. It was probably the laughter with tear filled eyes about how fucked we were for the HSC. Funny, how it all didn’t even matter in the end. All the times I listened to you running through a list of bizarre historians that neither of us could keep a damn about. Or when you listened to my feminist and passionate rants about how amazing Sylvia Plath is. What about when we quizzed each other on random artefacts from Ancient Egypt - despite the fact we both knew full well we had it down pat? How could you forget our sleepovers where we danced in our pjs to Mamma Mia even if we looked nuts. We always used to joke about getting a one way ticket to Greece and spending a whole summer there in the middle of recess. If I went in a few years time would you still come with me? Or is that too awkward?

I remember our pinkies intertwining as the whispers of excitement about how we would end up at university together. It didn’t end up that way. In fact all it did in the end all it did was break us apart to two conflicting sides of Sydney.

It leaves me wondering if it was that easy to break us apart?

The comfort of the dark music practice rooms in the corner of our high school where we used to lay out all of our secrets. Funny how the teacher could hear us all along… she must have thought we were crazy. I loved that about us. To be lost in your friendship was to almost give oneself up. Entirely consumed into this one breathing being of life. My other half. Whether it was toxic or not at times, we ALWAYS had each other's backs.

Now my feet trek alone under the comfort of trees in Wally’s Walk, leaving me lost in thought. Sometimes I sit from friend group to friend group wondering if I’ll ever fit in. But then my mind wanders to what it’s like for you now? Do you think about me the way I sometimes think about you? Times change, friendships come and go, they often surprise us. You surprised me… but we grew apart and that’s okay. I’m glad we’re both happy, but we did have some good times didn’t we?

Sometimes a stranger says something similar like an inside joke we used to laugh at, and I reminisce just for a second. All of our chats filled with laughter… we could have been close, we could have just talked for a bit. If only we held on to our awkward insta chats for just a little longer, regardless if it was a ribbon with tight knots unravelling. Isn’t it crazy how much we grow up? I can just look across the skyline of Sydney to where you are and wonder what happened? Or I can just move on. It’s a shame I overthink all the possibilities. We couldn’t have just grown apart right? Maybe we had a fight I forgot about? Maybe this chapter of school was dragging on for too long… and the reader of our story was begging to move on. There are many strangers that are just friends I haven't met yet. But sometimes I don’t want to fall into this new void of unfamiliarity, maybe I just want the comforts of a four walled room with you in it.

I’m ready to let go.

I hope you’re doing well. I wish you nothing but the best.

Kind Regards,

Lauren <3

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