I’m Not at Liberty to Discuss What’s Behind My Portcullis, Thanks

EXT. SMALL STONE TOWER – DAY

A great oak door with an iron door knocker. A wooden signpost with medieval-looking script: SWORN BRETHREN ONLY (CAPACITY: ABSOLUTE MINIMUM)

A golden glow emanates from the gap between the door and cobblestone floor. 

A KNIGHT clad in armour stands guard. Only his steely, unblinking eyes are visible. A nametag taped to his breastplate reads, in messy calligraphy, NOBLE.

A REGULAR GUY, in jeans and a Depeche Mode T-shirt, whistles as he walks by, but the glow catches his eye. 

REGULAR GUY 

(nods to the glow)

What’s in there?

KNIGHT 

‘Tis nothing.

REGULAR GUY

Huh? There’s clearly something in there. 

KNIGHT

It concerns you not. Besides…

(glances briefly at REGULAR GUY’S T-shirt and lifts his chin)

…’tis a matter of which common folk seldom hear, you see. It’s underground.

REGULAR GUY

It’s in the tower.

KNIGHT doesn’t respond. A REGULAR GIRL with a Spirited Away enamel pin attached to the strap of her tote bag approaches.

REGULAR GIRL

(to KNIGHT)

Who are you?

KNIGHT

I am the guardian bestowed with the noble duty of keeping this treasure mine own… uh, that is to say… upholding the standards set before me by my forefathers. I permit none save the most worthy and learned to enter.

REGULAR GUY

(Rolls eyes)

Which, I assume, is none but you?

KNIGHT and REGULAR GUY glare at each other.

REGULAR GIRL

(Glances back and forth between KNIGHT and REGULAR GUY)

Right… well, am I worthy?

KNIGHT stifles a laugh.

REGULAR GIRL (CONT’D)

(offended)

Where’d you even get that outfit? It’s the middle of summer!

KNIGHT

(straightening his NOBLE badge) 

I… acquired this garment second-hand, though the craftsman died long ago. For another, attempting to procure one now would be a fool’s errand. 

REGULAR GIRL opens her mouth, but her reply is cut off.

REGULAR GUY

Look, man. We’re not even trying to go in. We just want to know what it is that’s so special. We won’t take it from you!

KNIGHT 

Yet.

REGULAR GUY

What?

An ELDERLY COUPLE riding a BANDWAGON approaches. For the first time, KNIGHT’s confidence begins to crack.

ELDERLY MAN

Is this the line?

REGULAR GUY

(looking at KNIGHT with distaste)

No, it’s more of an area where… favour doth fail. 

ALL look at KNIGHT with judgemental eyes.

KNIGHT

(sighing)

So be it then. By the code of the Brethren, I offer you a test of wit. Answer true, and my favour may grant you a glance inside this tower. Fail, and you leave here, telling no one of what you’ve seen today.

ALL lean in. KNIGHT clears throat.

KNIGHT (CONT’D)

Prove you’re a true fan by naming five–

REGULAR GIRL

(throwing up her hands)

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding!

ALL curse at KNIGHT. When KNIGHT doesn’t budge, they look at one another.

REGULAR GUY

What if we just… charged down the door?

REGULAR GIRL and ELDERLY COUPLE nod. REGULAR GUY and REGULAR GIRL board the BANDWAGON. With the dirt road leading up to the tower now their runway, the group starts moving towards the entrance.

KNIGHT

W-wait!

The BANDWAGON moves at full speed towards the tower. Afraid for his life, KNIGHT dives out of the way. The door bursts open. REGULAR GUY’s face becomes illuminated by the golden glow.

REGULAR GUY 

(grins, then calls back)

Hey sir knight, pass me that “NOBLE” badge.

EVERYONE

(panicked)

No!

FADE OUT.

by Bethany Sharman